I just finished listening to Shonda Rhimes “The Year of Yes” and I am still lost somewhere in its pages. I am still listening to her rhythmic voice move around in my heart. It is still talking to me, teaching me, reminding me that I have more to do. More to say.
I have not been here in a long time. I have not read a post of yours nor written one of mine. I have been busy-aren’t we all busy? But that is not it, and I know it. I forgot my YES, as my new friend Shonda would say. I forgot how to believe in my voice. My voice was questioned and that made me want to be quiet. It made me want to be small and simple and it made me want to keep the waters smooth. Don’t ruffle any feathers.
Some of the things I want to write are personal, that is true. But does that mean I should not write them? Does that mean that I should type them in Word, and then Close and Save? I don’t know. That doesn’t feel right. It feels incomplete.
So here I am today. Writing. Posting. Sharing.
I am going to say somethings here that are just me. Open. Honest. Personal. That is who I am, it is who I fought to be. For years I have been the perfect little yes girl, the people pleaser, the proper codependent making sure that no one got upset, no one was offended, no one was hurt, and you know what? I am done with that. I don’t want that. It makes me tired and sad, and resentful. Who wants to live with that?
I keep thinking of all of the blogs and Facebook accounts and Instagram feeds I follow faithfully because their authors and owners are REAL. HONEST. Present and accounted for, and you know what? The world has not ended because they shared their shit. They have not been scorned into exile, no, quite the opposite-they are loved. They are supported, and loved.
So I am going to write again. To commit myself to it again. I am going to come here and stare at the screen and whisper my yes until it makes my fingers dance on the keyboard.
Because I can.