So it has been just over a week since I left SC. Just over a week since I backed out of my parents driveway with two kids, two dogs and a pile of crap so big I had to strap half of it to the roof of the car, while wiping my eyes and trying not to cry. My mother, ever the pragmatic one, gave me the quickest hug I think I have ever had, and I was stung. It was the one time in the last 4 months that I was looking for that long hug, that vice grip that said ‘don’t leave’. Of course I understand why she didn’t, it is a known fact that any hug in a stressful/sad/awful situation that lasts longer than the norm, tips the emotional scales and opens the floodgates. Quick and efficient hugs are how I got through the countless goodbyes I faced last month! At the end of each dinner, or happy hour, or lunch or coffee, I would hug my friend and as I came in to rest my chin on their shoulder I whispered ‘I can’t hug you too long, I will cry’ and then I would break free, therefore able to say goodbye and I love you without blubbering. But my mom damn near pushed me away and while it was a tad ouchy, I am glad she did. She didn’t want to cry, and she knew I needed to keep up my brave face for my boys-for my nervous eleven year old and my angry fifteen year old. I kept telling them it would all be okay, that this is a good move, and crying like a baby as I drove away would not really convey that emotion.
With the exception of a brief moment of ‘holy shit we really left’ tears that filled my eyes as I pulled off the exit, I have not cried yet. It seems odd, because as any of my friends can attest I am the crier in the group. But I took a deep breath and turned my blinker on and pulled off the highway like a boss and I am still going.
I am waiting for it to kick in-that I am really here and not there and that this is permanent. I had a moment this morning, so I know it is coming, I know it is hovering just under the surface. I know I am short and cranky and I can feel it starting to simmer. I know that the more I scroll my FB feed and see my friends doing things without me, having fun, and going all of the places we used to go, the more it is going to hurt and I can’t change that. I am here, not there. For once, I am hating Facebook. Before FB when you moved away, you just moved. Out of sight out of mind. You moved on and so did everyone else-no harm no foul.You wrote a few letters, maybe called some, and then you and they became a fond memory of another lifetime. But now, now we all get to watch as lives move on. Now we get to see updates and feeds and feel like we are there, but we aren’t. It is so strange, and it is not at all that I would rather not see my friends photos daily-seeing them smile and laugh is good, but it keeps me close and makes me feel far away all at once, if that makes any sense. It’s not that far, it’s 4.5 hours, but in the grand scheme of things with kids and jobs and life, soem times that can seem very far away.
I guess today was just a far away day.